Moving on up

You said your sorry you felt my pain I'm now longer here cause you lied again! My heart is wounded my love has gone what in the word did go wrong! I've been fighting sticking to you but all I get Is I hate you! You come and go like it's a fun game but this is why I go insane! You will never know what could have been because you did not give me the chance again. My love has weakend for your heart just because we fell apart! Your no long the one who i fell for you took my hand and showed me the door! I miss our love I miss your touch even when it isn't much. I'm always here crying your name shhhh listen hear the beat that once was sain! I'm loosing my mind I guess this isn't such a crime! My heart beats slowly aching away but I have to tell myself to stay away! You are there and I am here do you miss me your heart will know. Wether you stay around or go go go! I miss you times and times again but I know I won't pretend! Your my love I won't forget! When you think of me don't get upset! Smile and think what we shares was great it was all supposed to happen thanks to Fate! Here is my soft goodbye my soft sad voice weeps from the pain but I hope for now it'll happen again. I love you now and forever mabey just maybe you and I can be better then what we were last time. Goodbye!!

P.S I LOVE YOU JUST HURRY TO REALIZE BEFORE I GIVE UP ON YOU

Hurt far beyond painful

Have you ever loved someone so much that you think you can't live without them? Well that's what happend to me I loved you Christopher far beyond the amount a normal person should love someone I would drop everything for you! I'd do anything for you! And that's why I let you camp at my house you didn't tell me your girlfriend was going to be at my house! I have never exsperiance so much pain in my life my heart felt like it's was shot numerous times while being ripped apart slowly. My lungs stopped filling with oxygen my throat felt like I just swallowed a huge cotton ball. My fingers were trembling like an elderly! My feet felt like jello while stuck in the same place! I have never in my life been so heartbroken. As you pulled away my mind was in shock I was stund that this just happend. I took a knee by the tree grabbin the bark for security. As I stood up everything darkend the light fading the sound fading my world fading. As I wake up in my mothers arms tears fall one two three falling faster and faster. And the pains are all back I clinch my fist anger takes over squeezing my fist so tightly they turned white I ran down the stairs with my anger trembling picking up! As I reached my bed I grabbed the animal from which I so cherished a couple days ago! I ripped the bear in to pieces with my bear hands! I look at you picture I get a sickening feeling. As I cope with the realization that I just destroyed a stuffed animal and realizing my hand hurts ! I have found out that I punched the wall fingers swelling mind going blank. With the love I thought you once consumed I can see that has faded. Any guy who knew a girl was truly in love with him he would not bring a girl to her home! I will never forget this pain it's perminatly stuck on my heart and me knowing the guy who I loved did it to me. As I remember you I no longer remember the happy you the one I fell in love with, but the you that cut the last string holding my heart from plummeting to the bottom of no return. My heart was healing rebinding but it quickly fell shaddering into tiny granes of sand impossible to pick up the prices and re start again. I'm at the lowest I can be and all because you couldn't see the truth in front of your eyes. So long, time to return to the dark sad tearful mornings and nights as days go by one after another. It's over it's all over I'm emotionless powerless I'm nothing! but a faint memory and old photograph and old ex lover. and you will never be the same to me. theres only one thing that will prove your self and you should know this. promises i dont know should be kept or not. but im not the only one you have to say sorry to my mom sister and step dad they held me in there arms as the tears fell all night and they could feel the pain that came from it. my life will NEVER be the same. sorry i didnt realize that was your plan in the first place. this is me signing out and returning to the horrible day and days to come!

P.S NEVER WILL I LET A GUY LOVE ME IT'S TO PAIN FULL

Open your eyes!

I am strong strong enouh to hold on strong enough to watch you go around with the new girl. Strong enough to get myself out of bed and look at your picture and say I'm glad your happy strong enough to go the day without crying your name! Chris I am in love with you and as these day go on my heart does not change it's feelings I have dreamt that you Will wake up one morning and realize love you that were supposed to marry that I'm ur other half! Chris I love you and even when I'm bein treated poorly like you have treated me the past 3 months I still care more then anything! I will not be able to forgive myself and you won't be able to take back things you did but I want to try one last time! When school comes around and you see me in the Hall I want you to say hello I want you to smile at me! Chris baby I am dieng without you love I'm weak but strong I'm asking for one chance please give me that please. I am honestly in love with you if you wanna feel true love touch my broken heart feel the electricity that comes off of it! Baby I want you and I know you see that and I know deep down you feel it to I know you still love me so come home I miss you dearly and I want to be back in your arms it's only you there is no one else I promise you that just come back I need you more then ever

P.S. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH COME HOME

Days like today

Today is a holiday the days which I will regret having. I exsperoanced this past year the the holidays are more special shared with someone you love. Well today I wished you were here sharing his holiday with me! But at the same time I don't I fell in love with a guy who was special who was kind who was unique and i fell for him because I knew he knew who he was! Well hearing from you recently I'm not so sure you even know who you are! The guy I fell for didn't do pot didn't act like nothing mattered to him loved everyone and dis liked the ones that didn't matter to him. Chris honey find that guy because if you don't your pushing away the real you! I love you enough still that I'll be here to push you back tO reality I just hope one day you will realize loosing your self is fast then staying true to the person you are! Chris I'm not asking to break uP with her or to love menand come back again I'm asking for you to find the true you! If you never wanna come back that's your choice if you want menout of your life for good your choice but I do know one thing and that one thing is I'm never going to stop loving you the things we shared the warmth it gave me I'm never gunna let that go ever! I just wanted to tell you hat even though I'm getting stronger you still make me weak and one days I just wanna cry but my tears will no longer be for the pain I'm in but for the happiness you gave me. I don't regret anything the only thing I have left to say to you is my life is ment for someone wether it's you or someone else I'm me and something will love that and thanks to you I can be who I want and not worry what others think. So chris live your life and if you want me back you have my number you have my email to know were I live put the effort into it and see what it gives ya.

P.S I lOVE YOU TILL MY EYES REST FOREVER!!!!!!!

Getting stronger

I'm getting stronger just alittle bit stronger:) today was the first time in front of my whole family. They enjoyed having the old me back I enteracted with the family and laughed a smiled and they as well as me knew they were real nothing fake anymore. I have learned if a guy doesn't want me not to stress over it cause one day there will be a guy the falls head of heels for me and itll be true love. Yes I loved chris yes I wish he would give me a second chance but hey if he doesn't want me why waste my time. Chris I'll always love you but honey I'm not going to sit around lonely forever so realize I'm better before the 10th the day u promised you would give me one chance and everything will be fireworks amazing! If not and you break that promise then you just missed out on an amazing girl. Because I'm not like anyone else I'm me and not one damn girl in this world is like me! Yes I'm not perfect but hey what girl in this world is:) I'm perfect to someone and wether you see it or not I'm staying ME and never changing again! I am enjoying life everything is beautiful everything is a moment that you can never take back. So why waste my perfect life crying for you, well I'm not anymore I cried my last tear two weeks ago and honey I'm getting stronger every second of everyday. If any girls out there are suffering from heart break I know it's hard but you can make it and live happily again. Chris since you "still care for me" do me a favor and do what makes you happy because I learned that make yourself happy hen once your happy make others happy. Dont ever let you life fall apart because you turn into something your not and once you see that chris you will be yourself again well enjoy your life cause shoot I know I will be!!!

P.S I LOVE YOU STILL BUT iM done wasting time for you find it in yourself to see I'm not the bad girl

the old me

well since you have been gone i have done things i have never done before. i felt heartbreak for the first time i didnt know how to handle it. i started of not eating anything for days i cried myself to sleep. i scream you name when no one was around i literally wanted to die because you werent in my life. i thought to myself daily he's gone he will never think of me he will never give me one chance to show him how much i cared for him. i got worse by day and even worse at night. my dreams taunted me i never wanted to sleep. i wanted to be by myself i didnt talk i keep to myself. wept with sorrow pain and regret. if i would have noticed how much you ment then i would have stayed and we would still be the it couple and the one that made us special. but im glad we broke up because it brought me closer to myself . im the  girl i was four years ago i came to oskie trying to change who i was so that people would like me so that the girls wouldnt judge me. when i was trying to hard to be someone else i completly lost who i was. she had left and thanks to my ex boyfriend i found the old me again. im the girl that cared for everyone no matter what was wrong i was there to help. im the girl that stepped out of her way to help others. and most importantly its not all about me. yes there are a few days that are just for me but most of the time its for others. this girl can live without a guy and wont find one if someone cares enough for me they will find me. and since im single i am enjoying life by the day. i have remembered what i was fascinated by. and that is being out doors looking at the stars watching sunsets smilings and shopping what girl doesnt like shopping. im a completly different girl and im proud to finally say its me and thats never going to change again. so for everyone to here this is the Olivia everyone used to know. and thanks to christopher he has brought her back wether he is still here or he disowns me like he did. you still brought me back and if a guy finds me he will never wanna let me go because im one of those girls that well you just gotta know me to find out. so thanks christopher for being an ass and telling me to loose your number and that i did wrong and that you were never as happy as you are now. because those words are the ones i remember so that i can not talk to you. even though i still miss you i love you
P.S I LOVE YOU SO  MUCH WAITING FOR YOU TO KEEP YOUR PROMISES

stronger:)

i have become stronger by day stronger by night every minute is like another step to success. i havent dreampt about you for three days i havent talked to you since sunday im doing great proud of myself and thankful to have my friends helping me through this. i still think of you but when your in love with someone its kinda hard not to think about them when thats all you think about. yes i still love you but that will probable never go away. but i am doing my best to let you go live your life without me in it. you said this wasnt the end of us so i think about that daily and if you truly ment it i know you will be back. if you lied then i dont have anything to say to you other then glad your happy. are you and her perfect no your not perfect not one couple is perfect. but we think were with the perfect person. well i know i have been 100% honest with you and if you truly cared you would listen to both me and her and make your guess rather then assume that im the bad guy. its pretty bad when i have to get a number blocked and get a print off of my texts so that you can believe me. well once i give you this print off i would like a big huge IM SORRY. but as far as you know im doing great im smiling laughing and im the Olivia that no body has seen. im the Olivia that my family has missed and the Olivia i was born to be. thanks for waking her up and making her realize she was the perfect girl she was the one who you should have fallen for then you would still be mine. well she is back but my heart is slowly but surely coming home piece by piece its like putting back a 10,000,000 piece puzzel but it is gettting there. let me just tell you once school starts im going to talk to you again and if you accept me back i would like to hang out alot more like every day lol. but as of now im doing great...oh my gosh i have heard from tons of people that we were the perfect couple and that you will find your way back. well i tell them that he's happy and when he realizes i truly cared he will come home till them being nothing to him works for now. you know you meen the world to me with every touch smile kiss sound of your voice everything makes me feel like im riding cloud nine.. just find away back to the old Olivia because i will make your world 20x better i promise you that

P.S. I LOVE YOU MORE THEN ANYONE ELSE KNOWS COME HOME

i did it its finally gone:)

its's been a really good past couple days. even though the worst that could happen  happend he said he wants me to loose his number because im causing him to much drama with his girl friend. well i talked to him for a couple hours then i let him go. i know if he truly cared and he loved me like he said he does then he will come back. he will never know the feelings i have because he hasnt given me that chance to prove to him that ill not be a waste of his time. i have this feeling that is telling me you and him will be amazing if you give it one more shot i know how to fix things and i know how to solve things im getting better and better every single day. like last night i was so proud of my self one you werent on my mind to text its been two days yay:) then the past couple months i have been having dreams that your back and your really not which makes waking up really hard and making the day start off really bad. well last night i didnt you were not in my dream last night i didnt have one dream with you in it:) and when i woke up i didnt have that urge to talk to you and i woke up alot happier without you being the first thing i thought of. im getting so much better at letting you go because thats what you want. im still in love with you i still care so much about you but im gettting to the point were im telling myself that if you wanted me you would be back. and i keep in my head the promises you made me remember the im the only girl you will ever sleep with? remember the im going to come back the week before school to give you one more chance because im not over you yet?remember those well im still holding on to that. and do you remember everything we ever shared well this next time itll be 10x better because as of now my heart still belongs to you yes im picking up broken pieces and putting them back together but my heart still cant get your name off of it. you still mean so much to me and i still will take you back in a heart beat. family and friends are trying to hook me up with other guys but i keep turning them down because my heart says show you im faithful to my heart and you will see how much you mean to me well im getting better and if you still get on here and read please note that i miss you like crazy and i love you till i close my eyes forever thanks for being my first love

P.S I LOVE YOU LIKE CRAZY TILL THERE IS NO MORE US love ya

Pushin u outta hear

Wow I can't believe I let myself fall for you again you say you care you say you still have feeling well if ou did you wouldn't be such an ass to me in the first place. I am a girl and a special one at that any guy would be lucky to have. I actually loved you from the bottom of my heart I thought we were ment to be. Well I guess there's a difference between thought and is right? One day when you are all alone and heartbroken I'll be there for you because that's just the person I am but you and me we won't be together again unless we sit down and talk. There's things that will need to change like we need to talk bout are problems instead of bit each others head off... Another thing no cheating behind my back like you did hers! No lieng to my face and last but not least I won't whole heart and 100% trust. Give that and baby we would be the best thing in the world... But your gone so it doesn't matter right now. It's pretty bad that I talk to your family more then you! But you made your choice you said your happier without me so it's okay I'm strong enough now to let you go one because I know you will always think of me an two you said his wasn't the end of us so holding you to that as well as the week before school that's probable one of your lies but I'm going to think it's true until it becomes a lie. You know I'm always gunna have feeling for you but as of now I'm pushing you out one to save my life and two to heal the open wounds that I have. When you said a break I took it as you are coming back you just needed a summer fling to get back on your feet well I don care if you want me back or if you don't all I know is if you doncome back I want you to come back and stay back if you never going to come back tell me because inneed to get completely over you.. I thought you were something special something no one else was but when your with her you are rude and mean but when you are by itself your the Christopher I fell in love with. Well no need to worry about me you wanna know why cause I'm getting stronger daily and yesterday at the fair it didn't bother me one bit . I flirted for the first time since u and her started goon out it was weird but it kept you off my mind and now I'm going on vacation for to weeks with my best friend it's going to keep me from thinking bout you and keep me from wanting to talk to you! All I have left to tell you is my tears are no longer going to be over you and my life is getting better you were right you weren't my life but u were alot of it thanks for being my first love it was amazing I will never forget you so now all that's left of you are my memories cause u made it clear your gone well chris honey when school starts and you see this beautiful girl walking by you can look and think damn I left an look what I'm missing out on cause honey your getting pushed out daily I will always love you but I don't deserve to cry for you to come back daily cause it's killing me so my smile is on my body is back and you are not around to see it sucks to be you.....

P.S I LOVE YOU MORE NOW THEN EVER!!! Keep your promises show your a man and not a fake like you say every guy is come home babe I love ya

He's always on my mind!!!

My dreams some of them are happy some of them are sad. These past night I've fallen asleep with you on my mind have woken up with a smile. Bit he smile fades quickly with the realization that your gone. My dreams are you and me you are in my arms u say your happy were together you say I'm your everything and it makes me so happy to feel your arms in my dreams it makes it feel whole while I sleep. When I wake up your gone and I have to recope with you not there. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to let you go. But I need to, your not around anymore you don't wanna talk anymore you don't want me anymore I'm not in your life anymore! If only you would have realized my love was true it was special we were special but not everyone feels the same way. The day you come to the realization that I was true and I would have been your life when you come back there's only a few things I ask. One when you come back never leave again and two if u really want back never lie to me. I have one more shot I'm willing to go 110% with you I want that in return for when you want me back.. My family and friends say everyone gets heartbroken and everyone deserves the best out there. They said if you truly cared you wouldn't sit there and watch me fall you would be the person to catch me as I fell. Well the love I have I'm not thinking bout if I deserve better or if I deserve someone who actually wants me back I'm looking at what my heart wants! And everynight I hear your name and I look around to see who is here but no one is ever there it's my realization that my pieces of my heart still call for ou to mend it together again.

P.S I LOVE YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!!!!!! Come home please soon

Thankyou

Everyone says it's greener on the other side well in my world nothings green it's all black blurry and painful I have had a good 16 years of my life it's time for me to het some help going to start therapy get on meds and start turning my life around. I oh a huge thankyou for everyone who's been with me and Jo has helped me realize I'm not well anymore. But I oh the biggest thankyou to the love of my life Christopher James you have helped more then you know. U said u still cared that's the best way to help a girl like me. And u told me you needed to go until I'm healed your 100% right I need toget away from you I need to get my feeling to go away enough that I can endure him being gone. So therapy will help I'll be myself again I miss the old me that laughed at you that smiled to see your face the everything that I was before this took over me.. I'm going to be the old me I'm going to be a stronger me then I ever was thanks to you I can begin my long journey back to were I'm supposed to be. So thankyou for being by Myside thankyou for showing me a little bit of affection and thankyou for everything you have done for me. I'm the happiest knowing u left caring instead of leaving cause you Hated me. Chris when I'm better I'll come home goodbye for now

P.s I LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!!

It's all gone

When everything starts to be better it crashes. And when isay it crashes I meen it goes down hard. I'm never going to better I'm getting worse. I think about everything all the time my heart is not a heart anymore. My heart is a black ash filled nothing. I can't go any more days without you if you truly care for me please come back save me before it's to late. I'm falling from the highest point about to hit bottom of the ocean floor. I can't take my life without you and I want you back so badly. I love you and it's honestly true love. One day I hope you figure it out that I am mention for you till then I'm gunna be dieng more and each day just come back before there will be no chances of anyone coming back

P.S I love you always

Were do I start from here

Some say never to let the thing u can't go a day without go. Well in my case I did I left it there for someone else. I let the one thing that made my life turn to rainbows and laughter. I let it walk away from me I'm never going to be able to take back how I treated you or how I just left you all by yourself, but there are things I want back. I want that handsome man who held me tightly. I want the kisses that made your whole body tingle and go in to a moment of shock. I want to hear the words I LOVE YOU a million times till I know you forgive me enough to love me again. I want you back I miss my baby I miss everything about you. I'm driving myself crazy thinking about you twenty four seven. Bit when you love someone as much as I love you there is no limit to the thought of you on my mind all I ask is that you don't leave me completely and to give me one shot at makeing you happy cause I know I can do it. I miss you every second of everyday. I get the butterfly's when I see your face wether it's picture or in person. I've done my research and this is no crush it's true love so come back please. Just give me one more chance! The only good thing about you gone is that I know ur happy without me other then that life is miserable. Baby come home I miss you

P.S I love you now and forever

Ruff days

On days like today all I feel like doing is sitting around crying my eyes out it's hard to wait around for a chance when you know it may not ever happen. I think about him all the time I can't sleep can't eat can't do anything because it all reminds me of him. Yes I know majority of everyone has a heart break but why did it have to happen to me at such a young age. Knowing that he is out there happier without me kills me if I could just have one chance to show him I could be his life. That would make me so much happier. I have so many emotions going through my head happyness sadness angerness those are just a few. And it's not like oh I'm happy today the mOods change constantly. But on days like today they just start out really ruff. Days like today I didn't want to by out of bed didn't want to eat all I did was let tear drop fall from my eyes and cover my pillow. Everynight I pray he will come home I pray he doesn't forget me I pray my pain will go away. But everyday I'm disappointed. I don't know of he's telling me the truth if he's actually going to come back. I just wish he would just tell me what he wants. I am so sick of being miserable I just want my baby back. Someday I hope you come home cause I can't take this pain it's killing me to go a day after day without you in my arms. You promised me forever so please come home baby I love you forever and always

how do i go on from this

today is my first day using blogspot i needed a way to exspress my feeling with out having facebook creepers laughing at me so i heard blogging helps alot of people so here goes.

i was in a relationship with this guy we didnt treat eachother the way we deserved i broke it off 3 days before our one year anniversary. after we first broke up i had a feeling that made me happy i was satified knowing we needed a break i didnt specify how much i still cared and that i didnt want to move on we just needed time apart. when i was ready to get back with this guy he told me that he was talking to another girl i was hurt and fought for him we seen each other in the meen time. but come to find out he was already dating this girl. i have never felt so much pain in my life all i feel like doing is over dosing or wanting to jump of a bridge anything to keep this pain away from me. but yet he is still around its like he doesnt want me but doesnt want me gone. i want him more then anything in this world. he just hasnt seen me enough to believe me that im 100% in love with him. i miss him more then ive ever missed anyone. he means the world to me he just doesnt realize that im falling more in love with him and im not meaning to. during the day everythings okay most of the time, but once night hits all i see is him and her im not even in the picture. theres alot of things going through my head and i dont know how to react or how to get past this heart break but writing and talking about it helps.